*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
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Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
even bears disappoint their mothers
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.