Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
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A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?