My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
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Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Beauty and the Beast
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
My life coach traded me.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.