Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
You Might Also Like
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.