I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
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[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.