*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
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if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.