Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
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No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Me too
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open