So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
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wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.