Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
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Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.