I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
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[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.