Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
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No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?