[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
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One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.