Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
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Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.