*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
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AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
your honor my client chooses dare
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.