Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
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Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
If looks could kill
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait