I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
You Might Also Like
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
A leaf blower, but for people.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
just left a huge legacy in there