I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
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Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.