how to market bottled water to dads
You Might Also Like
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you