Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
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NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Personal question. #JustSaying
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.