Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
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I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Social distancing in Australia:
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.