Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
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Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
.. do you even science?
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”