most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
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*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Straight people are cancelled
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits