If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
You Might Also Like
seems like a niche market
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
New comic up. “Ransom”
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home