[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
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My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.