Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
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It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.