I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
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You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Discuss
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you