When someone asks if I have any hobbies
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Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
men, we mow at sunrise.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour