My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
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“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
#Caturday
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.