Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
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Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.