*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
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me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
The government even made aliens boring
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Cats are still liquid.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.