*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
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I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
I had to Stop for this
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.