[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
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Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.