MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
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So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Don’t talk down to me
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.