You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
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99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.