If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
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Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.