Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
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1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁