“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
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Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
i can’t wait that long
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.