went fishing caught a bass
You Might Also Like
getting corrected
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.