Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
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Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.