A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
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In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
This was a bad idea all around
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.