I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
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The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.