Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
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me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
I feel seen.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.