Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
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They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
*gets down on one knee*
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs