Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
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*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
*cough*
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
respect
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals