Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
You Might Also Like
I am having an out of money experience.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Shortcut
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
#milo
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times