At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
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My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
S O O N
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
What?
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
It has been 3 years since Monday.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time