Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
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Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
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My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.