Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
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I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
I need to get some bricks…
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan