*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
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Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”