I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
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Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
A man of commitment.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me: